Sunday, August 22, 2010

Solitute 2

I drove three hours to a spot that I found on the internet. I didn’t tell anyone where I was going, but I came prepared with fishing gear. I arrived very annoyed because in my three hour car ride, it felt like everyone managed to call or text me and so I didn’t end up with any quiet on the way up. At the lake, there was a sign that said this was an eagle nesting spot. I thought that was pretty neat so I told God that it would be cool if I saw one. I started walking to find a spot but I was still frustrated because I had wanted to go fishing but now I was overloaded with supplies and I was getting eaten alive by bugs. That was when God smiled. He sent a hummingbird to entertain me. I love hummingbirds, they are my second favorite animal. They are so cute and the flit and buzz and they just make me smile. I thanked God for that. As I kept walking along the lake, there was a boat off to my right with passengers that were staring in my direction. I looked back when I realized they were looking over me. They whisper shouted to me that there was an eagle over my head. Sure enough, a baby eagle was in the tree above me! I tried to take a picture but it flew away before I got the chance. God said to me, “I love you. This is our moment, it wasn’t to be shared.”  Again, I thanked him and kept moving so as not to be eaten. I was so excited. I found a spot to set my stuff down, but I kept walking around briskly because the bugs wouldn’t leave me alone. This began to annoy me because I felt like this was a very symbolic time. I am out in the middle of nowhere, with nothing to do, and still I am walking quickly. The bugs were a symbol of my busy mind that wasn’t giving me peace and rest.  I was frustrated and wanted to sit down, relax, enjoy fishing, and be able to just soak in God. So, I went back to my car, changed into jeans, coated myself in bugspray and went back. A silly little chipmunk was throwing acorns at me. As I sat down to fish, a huge male eagle skimmed across the water and caught a fish. I was so overwhelmed with God’s love, because he let me see two eagles, just because he can! 

The next day, I went to fish at the dock. I can't remember the last time I successfully fished from shore. I told God it would be cool if I could catch a fish today. I caught three. Nearby, a baby eagle sat watching me and I was convinced he was going to try and steal one of my fish. To be honest, I would have given it to him… I read 1 Corinthians. Later, I saw another male eagle flying and it had a snake in its claws. I watched it eat it! Like I'm not joking. It sat on a tree branch on a tree across the water from me, tore off a piece of snake, cocked it's head back and did that gulp-head-bob thing that birds do because they don't have teeth. That was the best thing ever. I knew God really loved me right then. 

After that, I guess I decided I was done. I wanted to come back and journal and solidify the things I had learned, heard, and felt. I was reading 2 Corinthians 3 when I came upon the verse about, “Our adequacy is from God.” and that challenged me a lot. I don’t allow people to speak into my life and I put myself in positions to do it for other people. I guess I am trying to cover up my insecurities about being competent. I know I am skilled and capable, but I fear that I don’t have value sometimes. I realized that God won’t ask me to do more than I can and in him I am actually adequate. As I roll into my job as an RA this year, I know that I am capable and equipped to do what God has set before me and I know that I am adequate because God is good.


Alexander said...

ahhh! insecurities about being competent! maybe that's why we're friends. we share this terrible curse.

Benjamin said...

I can say that I've gotten the chance to find peace again with the new move. I've seen God in much of nature. I only wish you'd have caught fish with me. :( I'll work on it for next time.